The Death of Mrs. Cleaverby Ann Taylor
"Honey, I'm home!" Yes, I know this is 1991. I certainly appear to be a liberated, empowered woman who doesn't love too much. A briefcase is practically grafted to my left side. But, something strange happened inside my head after my second trip to the altar. (Actually, it wasn't an altar. It was a TV tray on a Sedona hillside, but that's another story.) The ghosts of outworn belief systems lurk inside us, rattling their chains when a familiar breeze blows through the psychic attic. In my case, the breeze was remarrying, and the ghost was June Cleaver. You remember June. Crisp apron, perfect hairdo, vacuuming with her pearls always in place. And where there's a June, there must be a Ward. Ah, Ward, My kinda man. (Remember this is ghost talk. My "conscious," self--actualized self is horrified.) While my beloved doesn't own a cashmere sweater or tell me he's worried about the Beave, something inside me still yearned for Ward. He was the illusion of security my mother clung to. Ward came home on time. Ward hand led it all with a fatherly wink. Ward the breadwinner. Ward the rock. My "conscious" self made a wonderful choice for a life partner. He is brilliant, witty, handsome and artistic. No, not the bland sort that Ward was. My man is challenging and playful. I thought I was attracted to him partly because it would be an adventure just seeing what he'd do next. Then, my husband of just one month did the Avatar Master's course, and June rolled over in her grave. Yes, I'd stood on an energy vortex and pledged to support and nurture his unfoldment. But, when his unfoldment unfolded by ending a lucrative career as a geophysicist, I wasn't the model of encouragement and understanding. Imagine my sweetheart, bursting with joy on his newfound path. Imagine him coming home to find his consort bristling with hostility. Fairly screaming at him telepathically every moment, "How could you! How dare you! How will we pay the rent now? Who will be my security now? This is scary! What's an Avatar Master anyway? Who are you?" I suppose Galileo and Columbus had their rough moments, too. Perhaps one of the best indications that there must be something to this Avatar stuff is the fact that my love put up with me and waited out my whiny, fearful and downright crabby reaction to his new career. So, I watched. I waited. I hoped it was a phase. Maybe it would blow over. We went to Austin and I met some other Avatar Masters. They were all having so much fun together. I felt sort of like I'd come to a birthday party as someone's date, but I didn't know the honoree. They were warm, intelligent, juicy people. I don't remember how or when I decided to attend the last Star's Edge delivery of the Avatar course, but one day, I was just going. I was mailing in my deposit and at the same time wondering what I was doing. Well, maybe I could tell myself I was going to Orlando to find out what my husband had been up to while I was away at work every day. Yeah, right. Even I didn't buy that. Although the claims people were making about fabulous changes in their lives because of Avatar seemed too good to be true, I figured if I got only ten percent of what they said they got, I'd still win. Somewhere around the fourth day of the Avatar course, I flew into an upset with my spouse. I thought he was going to do something which he didn't know I'd asked him to do. Confused? That's how these things happen, isn't it? Anyway, I was wallowing in this upset. "I can't depend on you! You're so irresponsible!" (Sound like the ghost of June wailing?) Some stupid little misunderstanding and I'm dragging every scrap out of the attic. After all, Ward never misunderstands! Right there, on the sidewalk, in mid-wail a voice inside me said, "I create it all." "I create it all!" I create this upset. I create this mistake. I create my own beliefs about what a husband is, does, isn't. And at that moment I felt a little sick. All the angels in heaven were rejoicing, but I hadn't quite caught up with them yet. I knew it was all over. No more June. No more Ward. Just, "I create it all." I looked at this man and realized I never really knew who he was before. I viewed him through so many filters. I never looked at him without the filmy ghosts of outworn beliefs between us. What a magnificent being and how completely unfamiliar! I felt gratitude welling up in my eyes, in my heart, everywhere. He knew what this was, to look on someone -- maybe even me! -- with completely clear vision and see such magnificence. He knew that I would come to this and finally look on myself with that clarity. And he waited for me to join him. I am so thankful to him that he waited and held the ladder for me when it must have been tempting to run on ahead. June is dead. But, we know death is only the beginning. June was sick of starched aprons and pearls that stay put. She was dying to dance naked in the dew, to roll in the grass, to be loud, to laugh deep in her belly. Thanks to my precious Avatar Master husband, she'll do all that and more! Ann Taylor is an Awakening Master who lives in Houston, Texas, with her husband, Layton Payne, their three children and one large, affectionate dog. A writer and public relations executive, Ann intends to complete the Master's course and join Layton in delivering Avatar. |