My whole life I have struggled with the "I am not good enough" inner plague, comparing myself to myself. I had a belief that this was far superior to comparing myself to other people. In fact, I had been teaching clients for at least a decade that this kind of comparison is a good thing. "We can use ourselves as a barometer," I said. "When we do anything better than in the past, we can feel good about our positive changes." This belief led my personal and professional life for quite some time and would have been fine if it weren't for the flip side. When we are doing worse than we have done in the past, we feel bad about ourselves. We get a game of inner judgment going with ourselves.
I didn't recognize this flip side before Avatar.
My perception now is that the "I am good enough, not good enough" game has been the core issue in my life. It kept me on an emotional roller coaster and slowed my progress toward self-actualization. It seemed I could never get good enough.
Accepting responsibility for creating this game has been very freeing. I now understand who created this no-win situation, and I can decide on a new way of being.
As I was growing up, I held on to a few of the phrases I heard my mother say like, "Who do you think you are?" and "What is the matter with you?" I also heard my father make statements about the dangers of becoming conceited.
The bottom line is I learned that it is not a good thing to feel good about oneself. It's not a good Christian thing to do. And I carried those beliefs in my consciousness most of my life.
Several years ago I heard a sermon by Bishop Robert Morneau. His message was about loving ourselves and having high self-esteem. He said that true humility and peace were at the center of loving ourselves.
Wow, I thought, I could love myself, be humble (not conceited) and feel peaceful inside at the same time? What a concept!
I also heard Jacquelyn Small, author of the book Naturally Therapeutic, give a workshop about our responsibility to not only love ourselves but to cherish ourselves. My brain was churning with delight at having found another concept in alignment with the Bishop Morneau's teaching.
I now had created two opposing beliefs: 1) it is bad to like myself too much and become conceited, but 2) it is my responsibility to be at peace cherishing my self.
If I didn't feel good about myself, at least I wasn't getting conceited and could subconsciously feel loyal to my
family, which made me feel good. If I did feel good about myself, I could give myself a pat on the back that I was achieving results as I heard Bishop Morneau and Ms. Small teach, which conflicted with the first belief and made me feel bad. It was a vicious
circle.
When I took The Avatar Master Course, I realized that the person I am the hardest on is myself. After being sick for three days (yes, I created that, too) and going through lots of integration, the light bulb went on.
Feelings are just feelings, neither right nor wrong.
I created the entire game of being good enough or not good enough. Every single facet of my existence had been set up for scrutiny and judgment with the purpose of achieving a state of feeling good enough. No wonder I felt at the whim of mood swings, depression, sometimes even fleeting suicidal ideas.
I made the decision to surrender all judgment, and a boundless wave of peace followed breaking out of this game. I know what unconditional love feels like. I know how to love unconditionally. It starts with loving ourselves, without judgments or measuring our own worth.
Feelings are just feelings, neither right nor wrong. I knew this concept before Avatar, but I didn't apply it to my core issue of feeling good enough or not good enough.
I somehow missed that one.
Cleone Lyvonne is an Avatar Master/Wizard from Seattle. She can be reached by calling 206-283-2129.
· Volume XIV Issue I